When I was 17, my mother remarried and moved to Tulsa Oklahoma, leaving me alone to finish my senior year of high school in the little town where we lived (She was only about an hour away and I was very responsible for my age). My girlfriend had decided to stay the night one Saturday, on Sunday morning we woke up and started to have sex. We got very involved and she started screaming very loudly, then we heard the toilet flush in the next room - my mother had come home for a Sunday lunch! When we finally got the courage to come out of the bedroom, my mother was sitting at the dining room table and asked "Did your father have the whole sex talk with you before we got divorced?" He hadn't, but as most kids did at that time we learned in school, I said "No mom, he did not." to which she replied, "I didn't think so, we were married for 28 years and he never made me scream like that!!"

My family has a tradition of naming the cruise control on our cars. We were used to hearing my father proclaim, "Take it, Max," as he flipped on the cruise control during long trips in our station wagon.

Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car when we hit a wide-open expanse of highway. My dad leaned back and said, "I think I'll let Tom drive for a while."

"Tom who?" I asked.

My mother translated for me: "Tom Cruise, of course."

A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a very attractive tall dark and handsome native, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you!" the native says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he will not tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't because you will make fun of my name!" the Islander says.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow" the man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the native gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."

The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean."

Little Johnny

Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store. Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first. Little Johnny obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next time his grandmother turned around he was gone. She panicked and looked everywhere for him, but he had disappeared.
Finally she went to the customer service desk, intending to have them announce his name over the PA system. To her relief he was already there waiting for her.

The woman at the desk said, "He wanted us to announce your name over the PA system, but he didn't know what your name was. We asked him what his daddy called you, and he replied 'mom', next we asked him what Grandpa called you and he replied 'sugar'.

We were almost out of questions for him when another lady suggested that your daughter-in-law might call you by your first name." "We were so happy to see you show up at the desk," she continued, "because when we asked him what his mommy called you, we were out of ideas!"

"Well," asked Little Johnny's grandmother curiously, "What did he say?"

"He said," she replied, "that his mother called you 'A Bitch'!"

A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.

He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," he thinks.

The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.

Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.

"I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

A cowboy had been in the saloon for a long time and decided that it was time, once again to head for the hills. He walked through the swing doors and immediately noticed that his horse had disappeared from the rail.

"OK" he said, re-entering the crowded bar "I'm gonna have one more drink and if my horse ain't back by then, the same thing will happen here that happened in Dodge City."

With that several of the cowboys ran out of the saloon and within minutes one had returned to tell him that they'd found his horse for him. As he turned to leave the bartender stopped him.

"Excuse me stranger" he said, "but what happened in Dodge City?"

The cowboy replied, "I had to walk home!"

After booking my 90-year-old mother on a flight from Florida to Nevada, I called the airline to go over her needs. The woman representative listened patiently as I requested a wheelchair and an attendant for my mother because of her arthritis and impaired vision.
I also asked for a special meal and assistance in changing planes.

My apprehension lightened a bit when the woman assured me everything would be taken care of. I thanked her profusely.

"Why, you're welcome," she replied. I was about to hang up when she cheerfully asked, "And will your mother be needing a rental car?"

What did you die of?

Saint Peter was at the Pearly Gates when three people arrived. The first one comes up to the entrance and St. Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'C'."

St. Peter says, "The big 'C'? What's that?"

The man replies, "Cancer. It ate me up alive."

St. Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The next man walks up to Saint Peter, and Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The man replies, "I died of the big 'H'."

Saint Peter asks, "The big 'H'? What's the big 'H'?"

The man says, "Heart attack. I was playing with my kids when my heart gave out, and here I am."

Saint Peter says, "You poor soul. Go right on in." The third person, a lady, walks up to Saint Peter. She is dressed like a street walker.

Saint Peter asks, "What did you die of?"

The girl replies, "I died of the big 'G'."

Saint Peter says, "The big 'G'? I've never heard of the big 'G'."

She says, "That's the big 'G' for Gonorrhea."

Saint Peter replies, "Gonorrhea? No one dies of gonorrhea!"

The girl replies, "You do if you give it to Leroy!"

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

If a gang of robbers dove into a swimming pool, I suppose it would cause a crime wave.

My husband could have had any women he pleased--he just couldn't please any!

An undertaker always puts a customer in his place.

There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy. --Peter Veale

When your dreams turn to dust, it's time to vacuum.

As they say at the Planned Parenthood Clinic, better late than never

Trivia...

The shortest scheduled airline flight is made between the island of Westray to Papa Westray off Scotland. The flight lasts 2 minutes.

In 1913, the Russian Airline became the first to introduce a toilet on board.

In 1620, Dutch inventor Cornelius van Drebbel launched the world's first submarine in the Thames.

More than 60 million people annually visit France, a country of 60 million people.

The first motorcycle speedway race was held in Maitland, Australia, in 1925.

Mercedes Benz cars are named after Mercedes Jellinek.

It is said that, in 1941 the Ford motor company produced an experimental automobile with a plastic body composed of 70% cellulose fibres from hemp. The car body could absorb blows 10 times as great as steel without denting. The car was designed to run on hemp fuel. Because of the ban on both hemp and alcohol, the car was never mass produced.

There are more than 16,400 parking metres in Manhatten, New York.

New York cabs get about 2000 tickets per month, handed out by about 2000 traffic attendants.

Manhattan traffic crawls at an average of 6.2 miles an hour on midtown city streets.

The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.