You may have heard about a new bride who was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time.

He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

Bill, Jim, & Scott were at a convention together & were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken & they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

Bill said to Jim & Scott, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way."

At the 26th floor, Bill stopped telling jokes & Jim began to sing. At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing & Scott began to tell sad stories.

"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

Political Correctness

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as `HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS. And furthermore ...

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a `BABE' or a `CHICK' - She is a `BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not a `SCREAMER' or a `MOANER' - She is `VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.'
3. She is not `EASY' - She is `HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a `DUMB BLONDE' - She is a `LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
5. She has not `BEEN AROUND' - She is a `PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
6. She is not an `AIRHEAD' - She is `REALITY IMPAIRED.'
7. She does not get `DRUNK' or `TIPSY' - She gets `CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED'
8. She does not have `BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is `MEDICALLY ENHANCED.'
9. She does not `NAG' you - She becomes `VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a `TRAMP' - She is `SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.'
11. She does not have `MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is `PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.'
12. She is not a `TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a `LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a `BEER GUT' - He has developed a `LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a `BAD DANCER'- He is `OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'
3. He does not `GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He `INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not `BALDING' - He is in `FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He is not a `CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers `GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.'
6. He does not get `FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes `ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.'
7. He does not act like a `TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of `RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
8. He is not a `MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has `SWINE EMPATHY.'
9. He is not afraid of `COMMITMENT' - He is `RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.'
10. He is not `HORNY' - He is `SEXUALLY FOCUSED.'
11. It's not his `CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's `REAR CLEAVAGE.'

Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.

Betty

A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you must help me. Every night I dream that I'm driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York. I'm so tired I can hardly get up in the morning."

The doctor says, "Tell you what. Next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come over and drive the truck for you."

The man tries it, and is cured.

Another patient tells the doctor, "I have this same dream every night. I'm making love to four beautiful women, and by morning I'm totally exhausted. Can you help me?"

The doctor says, "Tell you what, next time you have this dream, just call me and I'll come and take a couple of them off your hands."

Two weeks later the man goes back to the psychiatrist and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. Now these women are bringing their friends, and they're all getting so demanding. I'm so tired I can barely get through the day. Can't you do something?"

"You should have called me." the doctor replied. "I told you I'd take a couple of them off your hands."

"But Doc," he said, "I've been calling you every night, and your service keeps telling me you're out driving a truck from Pittsburgh to New York."

King Arthur

In the days of King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, a young, recently promoted Knight, Sir Notalot, joined that august body just as they were about to go out on yet another of their interminable forays after the Holy Grail.

He ran, panting, into the court to find King Arthur alone and he said, "Sire, what must I do to join the other knights on their quest?"

King Arthur said "Well, first you must get yourself some armour - it is dangerous out there!"

So Sir Notalot went off to the chief armorer and said "I need armour to go in search of the Holy Grail, what can you offer me?"

The Armorer said "Well, I can do you the bespoke stain- less steel all- over protect-all with expanding cod- piece for 100 livres, the same model in galvanized iron for 80 livres or the fully rusting chain mail for 60 livres

Poor Sir Notalot could not afford any of these options, so he said "What can you do for 20 livres?"

The armorer said "If you care to go round the back of the Frog and Bucket you will find a large pile of discarded pewter ale tankards. Collect as many as you can and bring them back here and I shall fashion them into armour for you."

So, Sir Notalot went to the inn and collected all the pewter mugs he could carry and took them back to the armorer. This good man then proceeded to batter the tankards flat and hang them on strings around Sir Notalot's neck until his whole body was covered.

The only problem was that Sir Notalot clanked at every step. Sir Notalot walked back to the court - clankity, clankity all the way.

He walked into King Arthur's presence to show off his new armour and the King said "This is all very well, but you need a fine charger to ride with the other knights when they leave tomorrow"

Sir Notalot then went to the farrier to see what he could offer.

The farrier said "Well, I have this fine white charger at 100 livres or this slightly smaller dappled mare at 80 livres or..."

Sir Notalot said "OK, cut the crap, what have you got for 20 livres? That is all I have and I must leave with the other knights tomorrow" The farrier thought for a moment and said "I do have this magnificent Saint Bernard dog which has recently been repossessed since the owner couldn't keep up with the brandy consumption - will that do?"

Sir Notalot paid over the money, jumped onto the dog's back and galloped back to the King, dragging his feet in the dust as he went, with his armour clanking along, draggity, clank, draggity, clank.

He reached the King, who said, "Just in time, the others have gone that way," pointing to the East.

So, Sir Notalot charged out on his St Bernard, clanking and dragging his feet. at that point it started to rain and the water ran inside the hammered pewter pots and down Sir Notalot's legs, soaking the St Bernard as well.
And then the rain was so heavy that the road started to flood and the clankity-drag noise became more of a sort of a clankity-sploosh noise. And then the thunder and lighting started.

Eventually, Sir Notalot reached the inn where the other knights had stopped for a rest. He rode up to the door and said to the inn-keeper "Hail, inn-keeper, have you a room?"

And the inn-keeper said "No chance - I am full with these round-tablers"

In despair, Sir Notalot said "But surely you have some- where I can shelter from the storm?" and pointing to his St Bernard he said, ... "You wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this.?

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.

Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

Classical music was written by famous dead foreigners.

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Trivia...

About a quarter of the world still drives on the left, and the countries that do are mostly old British colonies.

The Ilyushin-76TD is the world's largest waterbomber.

The pilot with the most flying hours is American John Edward Long. From May 1933 to April 1977 he flew 62 654 hours, achieving a total of more than 7 years airborne.

There are about a billion bicycles in the world, twice as many as motorcars.

In 1955, the Ford Thunderbird outsold the Chev Corvette 24 to one.

The fewest aeroplane passengers killed in one year was 1 in 1993 and the most was 583 in 1977 when two Boeing 747s collided on the runway at Los Rodeos airport, Tenerife, the Canary Islands.

In 1893 J. Frank and Charles E. Duryea produced the first successful gasoline-powered automobile in the United States. They began production of their Duryea in 1896, the same year Henry Ford started operations of his first successful car in Detroit.

The usual thermal efficiency of reciprocal steam engine is 15%. That of steam turbine is over 40%.

Nuclear ships are basically steamships and driven by steam turbines. The reactor just develops heat to boil the water.

The world's oldest surviving boat is a simple 3 metre (10 feet) long dugout dated to 7400 BC. It was discovered in Pesse Holland in the Netherlands.

Rock drawings from the Red Sea site of Wadi Hammamat, dated to around 4000 BC show that Egyptian boats were made from papyrus and reeds.