A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"

The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"

The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ...."

Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh, big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand. But in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy [let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her] eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, that is true."

Bubba asked, "And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I was thinkin' maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I've been wakin' up with

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly. Peter Peter, something or other."

Stopped for speeding

A guy was stopped by a policeman for speeding, and does a lot of begging. Finally, the policeman says: "O.k. I'll ask you a question.

If you answer correctly, I'll forget about the ticket!"

"Go ahead!", answers the speeder.

"You're driving at night, and two lights appear in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a car!"

"Sure! But, what kind of car? Is it a Ford? Is it a Chevy? Is it a VW?", replies the policeman, and proceeds to write the ticket.

"Wait! Give me another chance!", begs the guy.

"Ok. But, this is your last chance! You fail to answer - you get the ticket!"

"Fair enough".

"You're driving at night, and a light appears in front of you. What is it?"

"That's easy! It's a bike!"

"Sure! But, what kind of bike? Is it a Honda? Is it a Suzuki? Is it a Harley Davidson? Sorry, you're getting the ticket!"

"Yeah, ok.. but let me ask you a question too!"

"Go ahead", answers the policeman.

"You see a bare breasted woman standing at the curve, bargaining with clients, what is it?" asks the guy.

"Oh, that's a hooker!" replies the policeman.

"Sure! But, what kind of hooker? Is it your mother? Is it your sister? Is it your daughter?"

But withal and whatever, it must be realized that even the members of the oldest profession -or, to paraphrase Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Scarlet League" are, in the final analysis, just people like the rest of us. They are born, and they pass on, just like the rest of us. And they have a certain kinship -just like the rest of us. So it came to pass that when one of the girls of the Establishment died, the funeral was a beautiful affair. Hundreds of friends and clients showed up for the solemn procession. Car on car of brightly colored flowers followed the slow moving hearse, and when they finally arrived at the cemetery the Madam took her place at the side of the yawning grave and began to weep copiously. Two of the girls, standing nearby, heard the Madam muttering through her sobs -a quiet, reflective, eulogy: That was a wonderful girl. She brought in more business than any girl I ever had. She was the best prostitute I ever knew. One of the girls turned to her companion. "See?" she mused, "You have to die before they say something nice about you!"

Stan Kegel

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Philadelphia and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Cleveland. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Baltimore. He told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and telephone a landscaper.

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

What should you do in case of fallout? Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

What is the term for a masochistic homosexual? A sucker for punishment

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

I hate mornings.... they're so early!

Then there's the city where crime has gotten so bad that citizens figure muggings into their budgets.

Adam and Eve lived thousands of years BC - Before Clothing.

I hope they don't raise the standard of living any higher, I can't afford it now.

Trivia...

According to statistics, Australian women are most likely to have sex on the first date.

Chewing on gum while cutting onions can help a person from stop producing tears. Try it next time you chop onions!!!!!!!!!!

Until babies are six months old, they can breathe and swallow at the same time. Indeed convenient!

Offered a new pen to write with, 97% of all people will write their own name.

Male mosquitoes are vegetarians. Only females are blood-suckers.

The average person's field of vision encompasses a 200-degree wide angle.

To find out if a watermelon is ripe, knock it, and if it sounds hollow then it is ripe.

Canadians can send letters with personalized postage stamps showing their own photos on each stamp.

Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.

It snowed in the Sahara Desert in February of 1979.

Plants watered with warm water grow larger and more quickly than plants watered with cold water.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

Grapes explode when you put them in the microwave.