A girl is about to tie the knot, and is watching her mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks, "How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?" The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her Suzy. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother. So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor, lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough. Expecting to only pick up the biscuit she had a very unexpected episode of gas, which made a thunderous growling sound. Her husband startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong honey?" she asked. He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing growls like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to tease it with meat!"

Jordan, my 3-year-old son, has expressed an insatiable curiosity about human anatomy. This completely innocent curiosity recently led to the most embarrassing moment of my life!

A few weeks ago, our family chose to sit in the front row at Mass on a Sunday. During the homily, when the priest was speaking, Jordan decided that it would be a good time to ask questions which he deemed appropriate. Being 3, Jordan has not learned the difference between whispering and speaking out loud.

Jordan (loud): "Mom, look at my penis, it's standing up!"

Mom (whispering, attempting to distract): "That's interesting, dear. Let's read this book I brought for you about how Jesus loves all the little children."

Jordan (louder): "But Mom, I can't get my penis to go back down. It's coming out of my pants! Look, Dad!"

Dad: "Jordan, be quiet, we're at Mass!"

Jordan (upset now): "Mom, look at my penis!"

Justine (my 9-year-old daughter, whispering agitatedly): "Mom, make him be quiet, take him out!"

Mom (continuing the calm and collected facade): "Jordan, look at these great blocks Mom brought for you to build with."

Jordan (louder): "Mom, why is it sticking up?" Then, without waiting for an answer, Jordan began talking to his penis.

Jordan (very loud, in a commanding voice): "Penis, go back down where you belong and stop bugging me!"

At this point, I was trying to grab Jordan to take him out, and at the same time cover his mouth. I heard chuckling and laughter from the pews around us, and a distinct break in the priest's homily as he pondered this unexpected interruption. My daughter was hanging her head and shaking it, and my husband mouthed the words "Get him out of here."

My face was three shades of red as I led Jordan out down the long aisle and listened to him continually repeat the same inquiry: "Mom, why won't it go down?"

A man tried to rob a bank. As a disguise, he wore a paper sack over his head. The sack was secured by a rope around his neck. Only very small peep holes were cut out so he could see.

Armed with a shotgun, the robber told the teller to start emptying the tills and he commanded everyone else to drop to the floor or he would start shooting. Everyone in the bank complied with the armed robber's command.
Then suddenly, as the robber moved closer to the teller's windows, he began to wobble and walk erratically. Seconds later, the armed robber fell to the floor. He
dropped his shotgun. It appeared that he was not moving, so a security officer picked up the gun and told the robber he was under arrest. It was apparent that
there was something wrong with the robber. The security officer and a customer in the bank, with medical experience, tried to remove the mask.
They had difficulty getting the rope untied from around the man's neck and so had to rip the sack. The man's face had turned blue. With the combination of the rope being too tight and the sack not providing enough ventilation, the robber had passed out. He was actually suffocating. Once the sack had been removed the robber began to regain consciousness. 911 was called and an ambulance was dispatched to take
the robber to the hospital. The robber arrived at the hospital under police custody. He later was charged and convicted of the attempted armed robbery.

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Ed had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

'Oh, come on in!' Peggy's mother said as she welcomed Ed in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' ED said. Mom brought the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach...'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.

'Really?' Ed replied; eyebrows rose.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued. 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked Ed, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Ed said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture wearing a pink blouse and skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Ed.

'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'It's The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. 'The damned dance is called the Twist.'

A fellow has a week off and decides to play a round of golf every day. First thing Monday morning, he sets off on his first round and soon catches up to the person in front. He sees that it's a woman and, as he catches up to her on a par 3, that she's very attractive. He's interested and suggests that they play the rest of the round together. She agrees and a very close match ensues. She turns out to be a very talented golfer and she wins their little competition on the last hole. He congratulates her in the parking lot then offers to give her a lift when he sees she doesn't have a car. All in all it's been a highly enjoyable morning.

On the way to her place, she thanks him for the morning's company and competition and says she hasn't enjoyed herself so much on the course for a long time. "In fact.", she says. "I'd like you to pull over so I can show you how much I appreciated everything.". He pulls over and she gives him the best kiss he's ever had.

The next morning he spies her at the first tee and suggests they play together again. He's actually quite competitive and slightly peeved that she beat him the previous day. Again they have a magnificent day, enjoying each other's company and playing a tight, competitive round of golf. Again she pips him at the last, again he drives her home, and again she shows her appreciation.

This goes on all week, with her beating him narrowly every day. This is a sore point for his male ego but, nevertheless, in the car home from their Friday afternoon round, he tells her that he has had such a fine week that he has a surprise planned. Dinner for two at a fancy candle-lit restaurant followed by a night of passion in the penthouse apartment of a posh hotel.

Surprisingly, she bursts into tears and says she can't agree to this. He can't work out what the fuss is about, but eventually she admits the reason.

"You see," she tearfully sobs. "I'm a transvestite."

He is aghast. He swerves violently off the road, pulls the car to a screeching halt and curses madly, overcome with emotion.

"I'm sorry." she repeats.

"You bastard!" he screams, red in the face, "You cheating bastard. You've been playing off the red tees all week!!!"

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

"Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience."

A pun is the lowest form of humor unless you thought of it yourself.

There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

They made a movie about my wife's sex life --"The Night of the Living
Dead"

I do have my pride. I just can't remember where I put it.

No beating around the bush or bushing around the beat.

If you don't like college football you should leave the country immediately. You are not a good American.

Trivia...

The largest snowflake on record measured 8 inches in width.

Male cockatoos can be taught to speak, but females can only chirp and sing.

Premarital blood tests haven't been required in California since 1994. The test used to be required to ensure that you and your betrothed were free of venereal disease, chiefly syphilis. The tests were a holdover from a New Deal-era anti-VD campaign and were once required in virtually all states. But maybe a third have now repealed the requirement, on the grounds that the handful of cases detected doesn't justify the exorbitant expense.

Actress Jayne Mansfield accidentally exhaled her breast out of her dress during the telecast of the Academy Awards in 1957.

Adjusting for inflation, Cleopatra, 1963, is the most expensive movie ever made to date (mid-1999). Its budget of $44 million is equivalent to 270 million 1999 dollars.

After six months at the off-Broadway New York Shakespeare Festival Theater, Hair opened at the Biltmore Theater in New York, in 1968. It was the first rock-musical to play on the Great White Way.

The first American satellite in orbit, Explorer I, was launched February 1, 1958.

The first man-made object to circle the earth was Sputnik I, launched in 1957.

The International Space Station weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as a football field.