Confession

Pat O'Leary left Cork for Philadelphia where he found a job on a building site.

When payday rolled around Pat went out on the town, got drunk as a goat and spent the night with a prostitute.

The following day (Saturday) Pat decided to go to confession and tell all.

When the priest heard his confession he told Pat to say twenty Our Fathers, twenty Hail Marys, and twenty decades of the Rosary and to put $20 in the poor box.

Two weeks later Pat's mate, Rory O'Brien, told Pat he was leaving for San Francisco because there was tons of work there and the money to be made was more than twice what could be made in Philly.

After a little coaxing Pat decides to go with Rory.

At the end of his first week on his new job Pat's wages were more than double anything he'd made before.

Off he goes for a night on the town.

Gets drunk as a lord and spends the night with a prost- itute.

Come morning remorse sets in and Pat goes to Mission Dolores for confession.

After hearing Pat's confession the priest tells him to say a couple of Our Father's and drop a dollar in the poor box.

"But, Father. I did the same thing in Philly and had to say twenty Our fathers, twenty Hail Marys, twenty decades of the Rosary and I had to fork over $20."

"Ah, sure," the priest responded, "what do they know aboout drinkin' and fuckin' in Philadelphia."

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Old coots

The two old coots were both only a year short of retire- ment from the assembly line, but one Monday morning that didn't keep Joe from boasting to Manny about his sexual endurance.

"Three times," gasped Manny admiringly. "How'd you do it?"

"It was easy." Joe looked down modestly. "I made love to my wife, and then I rolled over and took a ten minute nap. When I woke up again, I made love to her again and took another ten minute nap. And then I put it to her again. Can you believe it! I woke up this morning feeling like a bull, I'll tell you."

"I gotta try it," said Manny. So that night he made love to his wife, took a ten minute nap, made love to her again, took another nap, woke up and made love to her a third time, then rolled over and fell sound asleep.

He woke up feeling like a million bucks, pulled on his clothes, and ran to the factory, where he found his boss waiting outside for him. "What's up, Boss?" he asked.

"I've been working for you for twenty years and never been late once. You aren't going to hold these twenty minutes against me now, are you?"

"What twenty minutes?" growled the boss. "Where the fuck were you on Tuesday and Wednesday?

Red Mini Metro

The convent had been presented with a new car, a red Mini Metro, the pride of its breed. Sister Lucy, the only qualified driver, became the chauffer. Every Saturday she would drive the Reverend Mother into town for the shopping.

All went well until a holiday weekend when the town was so packed with people and cars that it became evident that there was no earthly place to park.

"Don't worry, Reverend Mother," said Sister Lucy. "You go into the supermarket and I'll drive around the block until you come out."

Off sped the car, and the Reverend Mother bustled around the store shopping quickly, then rushing back to the curbside. There she stood for five minutes, ten, twenty. No sign of Sister Lucy. Where could she be?

Eventually the Reverend Mother approached a patrolling policeman.

"Excuse me, Officer," she said. "Have you seen a nun in a red mini?"

"No," replied the officer, "but these days nothing would surprise me!"

Mr. Greenberg was an illiterate immigrant, but he worked hard, saved his pennies, and started a small business. It did well, and soon he had enough money to send for the wife and children. The work kept him very busy, so he never had time to learn to write, but the bank was happy to do business with him, even though his signature consisted of two X's.

He prospered, he opened more stores, the kids were transferred to private schools, the family moved into a fancy house (with one staircase going nowhere just for show)...you get the idea. One day his banker, Mr. Smith, asked him to drop by.

"So vat's the problem?" Greenberg asked, a bit anxiously.

Smith waved a bunch of checks at him. "Perhaps nothing," he said, "but I wanted to be on the safe side. These recent checks of yours are all signed with 3 X's, but your signature of record has just 2."

Greenberg looked embarrassed. "I'm sorry about making trouble," he said, "but my vife said that since I'm now such a high class rich guy, I should have a middle name!"

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker."

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

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A more mature woman was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sandra, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sandra , "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sandra again, "Sandra this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes" says Sandra, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sandra, "Sandra listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sandra says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

EMERGENCY FLASHERS

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic.

The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to approaching drivers.
Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.

It isn't very long before a police car arrives.. The officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What 's going on here?'

'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly.

'Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?' he asks.

'Helllooooooo!!!!' say s the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

An Englishman shot himself in the groin recently after drinking fifteen pints of beer and stuffing a sawed-off shotgun down his pants. Apparently, the man was under the impression the gun wasn't fully cocked. Now he isn't, either.

"Poor People have been voting for Democrats for the last 50 years ............. and they are still poor."

Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. I know better. The things I worry about don't happen.

Without education, we are in a horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously.

Women have a favorite room - men a favorite chair.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. --Primatutu

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them. --Primatutu

Trivia...

Bette Midler, Barry Manilow and many other famous vocalists got their start in a New York City club called The Continental Baths.

Between 1931 and 1969 Walt Disney collected thirty-five Oscars.

"Billie Jean" by Michael Jackson was the first video to air on MTV by a black artist.

On a clear night in the Northern Hemisphere the naked eye can discern some 5000 stars.

On February 7, 1969 a meteorite weighing over 1 ton fell in Chihuahua, Mexico.

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

Armored knights raised their visors to identify themselves when they rode past their king. This custom has become the modern military salute.

At the height of its power, in 400 BC, the Greek city of Sparta had 25,000 citizens and 500,000 slaves.

Bock's Car was the name of the B-29 Bomber that dropped the Atom Bomb on Nagasaki.

Britain's present royal family was originally named Saxe-Coburg and Gotha. The name was changed in 1917, during WW1 because of German connotations. The name Windsor was suggested by one of the staff. At the same time the Battenberg family name of the cousins to the Windsors was changed into Mountbatten.