A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic ... And that after shave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You jerk. Oh my gosh you stink. Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation. "Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

Bell boy

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot."

The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button.... "

The third man married a school teacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "Poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid. "

The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.

It's 6:00 AM. The phone rings, and it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.

Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse."

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, "You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary." Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.

At 6:30 AM, the telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best. The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.

Joe asks, "What happened? Telephone operators are suppose to be as sexy as their voices."

The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."

Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teacher's husband will be calling any minute.

Finally, at 4:30 p.m, the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.

Joe fearing the worst asked, "What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"

The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over, until we get right."

Guy gets shipwrecked on an island. He finds that is it inhabited by all males. After a couple of days, he asks what they do for fun, and the men tell him, that once a month, they go to the back of the island, take a rowboat, and go to the island across the bay that has goats on it, and they have their way with them.

The guy is in disbelief, and says "I'll pass on that"

A few months go by, and the day of the trip across the island, he is the first on the boat, and the first one out of the boat when they get there, and runs up and starts making love to this goat. Well, all the rest of the guys are laughing their head off.

He turns and asks what the hell are they laughing at, and the guys say, "Well, you were the first to get out here, and you picked the UGLIEST goat."

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In Scotland, the most important time for a young lad is when he "comes of age" and is allowed to purchase and wear his first kilt. A couple of weeks before, his important birthday, a young lad went to a tailor shop and found the material he wanted for his first kilt. He took the material to the tailor and said, "I'd like ye to make me a kilt with this material here and, if ye don't mind, I'd like ye to make me a pair of matching underwear for it. I hear it gets a might drafty up dem tings!" So the tailor took the material and promised to call the young lad when the order was completed. A few days later, the tailor called the lad back to the shop. "Here's ye kilt, and here's ye matching underwear, and here's five yards of the material left over. Ye might want to take it home and keep it in case you want anything else made of it." So the lad rushed home with his order, threw the material in his room, and donned his kilt. In his excitement, he decided to run to his girlfriend's house to show off his new purchase. Unfortunately, in his excitement, he forgot to don his underwear. When his girlfriend answered the door, he pointed to his kilt and said, "well, what'd ye think?" "Ah, but dat's a fine looking kilt," she exclaimed. "Aye, and if ye like it, ye'll really like what's underneath," he stated as he lifted his kilt to show here. ;Oh, but dat's a dandy," his girlfriend shouted admiringly. Still not realizing that he didn't have his underwear on he exclaimed quite proudly, "aye, and if ye like it, I've got five more yards of it at home!"

A few days before the young couple were to get married, the girl accidentally walked in on her husband to be.  He was just climbing out of the shower drying his head with a towel and didn't see her.

She was unsure of what she had seen, so she went to her doctor for advice.  "Doc," she said, "What is that long thing between a man's legs?"

"Well, that is called the penis." he said.

"Oh." she said, "Well, what is that big round thing on the end of the penis?"

"That is called the head of the penis." the doctor said.

"Oh." she said, "Well, what are those big round things located about thirteen inches back from the head of the penis?"

The doctor said, "Honey, I don't know about your boyfriend but on me, that is the cheeks of my ass."

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A young guy from Mississippi moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job. The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?' The kid says, 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Mississippi.' Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?' The kid says, 'One'. The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?' The kid says, '$121,237.65'. The boss says, '$121, 237.65? What the hell did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition.'

The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?' The kid said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'

Buxom blonde

A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size 44DD'S. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bar- tender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times. The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor moaning and groaning.

"Why do you let the bartender do it?"

"Because he has a licker license!"

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

What's the similarity between a man and an uppercase Q?
They're both big fat zeroes with little dicks hanging off them.

One question to ask please. . . If Russia was to attack Turkey from the rear- would Greece help?

Archaeologists have finally come up with an explanation as to why man eventually began walking upright. to free up their hands for masturbation.

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.

Rita Rudner: You know why they call it "Aerobics"? For what you pay for the classes, they couldn't call it "Jumping Around."

Trivia...

By the time a child finishes elementary school she will have witnessed 8,000 murders and 100,000 acts of violence on television.

C3P0 is the first character to speak in Star Wars.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard's fish was named Livingston.

In 1968, "Apollo Seven," the first manned Apollo mission, was launched with astronauts Wally Schirra, Donn Fulton Eisele and R. Walter Cunningham aboard.

Jupiter's moon Ganymede is the largest moon in the Solar System, and is larger than the planets Mercury and Pluto.

Olympus Mons on Mars is the largest volcano in our solar system.

Canada declared national beauty contests canceled as of 1992, claiming they were degrading to women.

Captain Cook lost 41 of his 98 crew to scurvy (a lack of vitamin C) on his first voyage to the South Pacific in 1768. By 1795 the importance of eating citrus was realized, and lemon juice was issued on all British Navy ships.

Chicago's Lincoln Park was created in 1864. The original 120 acre cemetery had most of its graves removed and was expanded to more than 1000 acres for recreational use.

Christmas became a national holiday in the US in 1890.