A few years ago, Lazy Ted got lucky in this little bar in Mayfield. She was a good-looking girl, too. He drove her around to this park, the local lovers' lane, for a little privacy and they were getting along just fine,when some local louts happened by.

Luckily, all the doors of the car were locked and the larrikins had to content themselves with rocking it backwards and forwards. Lazy Ted wasn't going to hang around for any nonsense. He stuck the car into reverse and revved out of the car park. Bodies scattered in his wake. He ended up taking the girl to the safety of a nearby hotel.

Lazy Ted might have forgotten all about the incident but, the very next day, as he was watching his wife, Betty, washing the car, you'll never guess what he saw - a finger, just sitting there in the grille in front of the motor.

Well, he shook his head and was about to tell Betty to put it in, the rubbish, when she stopped him short. 'That finger must belong to someone. We'd better take it down the road to the Lost and Found. You'd be surprised what they can do with microsurgery these days.'

Lazy Ted followed his missus down to the local cop shop where they were extra helpful. While Betty was out of ear shot, he told them the full story - exactly what happened, how, when, where and why.

Afterwards, Lazy Ted went home and forgot all about the whole business until one day, this cop came to the door and presented him with this little frozen container ... and in it -the finger.

'According to Section 4 of Article 8 of the Mislaid Articles Act of 1893,' the cop spouted off 'found goods, if unclaimed by the owner and the loser of the aforementioned lost goods, after a period of three months, should be returned to the finder, who will be thereafter considered the owner and therefore the loser, in the event of the goods ever being re-lost.'

Lazy Ted didn't really know what to do, but he took the finger and thanked the cop for his trouble. He told Betty to put it in the freezer.

Soon afterwards, the phone calls started. A man, his voice deep, husky and mean, would ring and say, 'You got my finger. You better give it back ... or you'll get rubbed.'

Night after night, the same man rang with the same message. Then, during the day, the Health Department started ringing and a man with a high, piping voice, would tell Ted, 'Keeping a finger in your freezer contravenes Section 1, Article 12, of the Body Parts in the Kitchen Act of 1923, and if you persist in infringing this regulation, we will be forced to carry out immediate legal action.'

The final straw was when the surgeon started calling up daily, too. 'Listen, we get kids in here every day, with their fingers missing - car accidents, gun accidents ... you name it. Some will never be able to use their hands again. With that finger, you could at least help one ... just one of them.'

Finally, it got too much for Betty. 'Listen Ted, do something. Give that finger back to the gangster. Give it to the Health Department. Even give it to the hospital. Just get rid of it. It's no use to US.

But it was all to no avail. Lazy Ted wouldn't hear of it. You know what he's like. He'd never lift a finger to help himself or anyone else.

Do you want to know right now how you can drive your car or truck using water as fuel and laugh at rising fuel costs, while reducing emissions and helping to prevent global warming?

Convert Your Car/Truck to burn water as well as gasoline and BOOST YOUR GAS MILEAGE! Stop searching and start saving!

Click the link for more details

Indian

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?".

The Indian says, "yes."

The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned!
You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.

The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the man's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five-dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be confused. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.

The Indian then says, "You're from Arkansas!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?"

The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper."

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: 'It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.'

Randy

“Everyday Google sells several $10 million’s in pay-per-clicks. But I get all mine absolutely FREE – and now I am going to show you how to get yours FREE also!”

Click the link for more details

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!”

Harry the Eagle Did you know that eagles mate for life? Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!" Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate.
He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest.This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was...?
The duck said, "I am a DRAKE , you made a MISTAKE! What did you think it would say?

Click here to get Stolen Jokes everyday in your email

Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

Our daughter signed up for shop class because she thought it meant visiting different malls.

Gay politicians are always seeking mandates.

One thing wrong with the younger generation: Most of us aren't one of them anymore.

Money used to talk, then it whispered. Now it just sneaks off.

Conversation between Adam and Eve must have been difficult at times because they had nobody to talk about.

What do a fur trapper and a necrophiliac have in common?They are both looking for dead beaver!

Why don't chickens wear underwear? Because their peckers are on their faces.

Trivia...

Captain Kirk never said "Beam me up, Scotty," but he did say, "Beam me up, Mr. Scott."

Carnegie Hall in New York City opened in 1891 with Tchaikovsky as guest conductor.

Chocolate syrup was used for blood in the famous 45 second shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock's movie, Psycho, which actually took 7 days to shoot.

All the moons of the Solar System are named after Greek and Roman mythology, except the moons of Uranus, which are named after Shakespearean characters.

Astronauts brought back about 800 pounds of lunar rock to Earth. Most of it has not been analyzed.

During the US Civil war, 200,000 blacks served in the Union Army; 38,000 gave their lives; 22 won the Medal of Honor.

Emperor Nero's lust for excess was most evident in his elaborate parties. According to the ancient writer Seutonius, Emperor Nero's Domus Aurea had a circular main dining room with a roof that revolved day and night, in time with the sky. In what remains of the palace today, there is a large octagonal room with a domed ceiling that some believe is this dining room. The octagonal room has a large dome with an oculus in the middle. It predates the Pantheon--and was probably the inspiration for it. The architects of the Domus Aurea developed an innovative mechanism cranked by slaves, that made the ceiling underneath this dome revolve like the heavens. While the ceiling revolved, perfume was sprayed from the ceiling and rose petals were dropped on the diners. Legend has it there were so many rose petals falling at one dinner that one of the guests was asphyxiated.