Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true, red-blooded, born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a slippery, tenderfoot city-slicker from back East, and a beautiful, sultry and extremely well-endowed Texas lady.

The city-slicker kept leering at her and could not keep his eyes off the lady's ample bosom. Finally he leaned forward and said to her, "Lady, you are magnificent. I'll give you $10 if you will let me make love to you."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, and instantly pulled out his six- shooter, and drilled the city-slicker right through the heart.

The lady gasped, then smiled demurely at the gentleman and said, "Why, thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honour!"

Whereupon as the Texan holstered his gun, he said, "Your honour, hell! No stinkin', crawlin' tenderfoot from back east is gonna double the price of a woman in Texas!"

A king, who had three daughters for marriage, made the statement that any prince in the kingdom who could pass certain tests could marry his choice of the three. One of the daughters was a blonde, one a brunette, and one a redhead. All the princes in the kingdom tried to pass the tests and failed. One day Prince Charming came up on his white charger and said to the king, "I understand you have three daughters for marriage." And the king said, "Yes, if you pass certain tests." So the king explained the tests to him and Prince Charming went forth into the world. A year later, he came back and told the king of all the dragons he had slain, of all the fair maidens he had rescued, and of all the battles had fought. The king said, "Son, you may have your choice of my daughters for marriage. Which do you choose?" Which do you think was his choice? He chose the king because this really is a fairy tale.

Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters had promised their Uncle, who had been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.

After a while Bubbles says, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"

Barbie slipped over the side and finding the water only knee deep said, "Nope, not yet Bubbles."

So they row a little farther. Again Bubbles asks Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"

Once again, Barbie slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No, this will never do, the water is only up to my chest."

So on they row and row and row, and finally Barbie slips over the side and disappears.

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles is really getting worried when suddenly Barbie breaks the surface. Gasping for breath, she says, "OK, it's finally deep enough. Hand me the shovel."

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To make it possible for everyone to attend church next Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuses Sunday."
Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in."
There will be a special section with lounge chairs who feel that our pews are too hard.
Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching T.V. late Saturday night.
We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church."
Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold and fans for those who say it is too hot.
Score cards will be available for those who claim there are too many
hypocrites present, to make it easier to list them.
For those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too, no worries: All your friends and relatives will be in attendance.
We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those who feel that church is always asking for money. And blank checks for those who would like to help assure we don't ever need to ask for money again.
A section will be planted with trees and grass for those who prefer to seek God in nature.
Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday.
The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who have never seen the church without them.
We will provide hearing aids for those who say they can't hear the preacher and ear plugs for those who say he is to loud.
See you Sunday!!

So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Montana ranch
and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation"

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The Water Representative says, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Soon the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life
And close behind is the rancher's bull. The bull is gaining with every step.

The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down
his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

"Show him your card!"

My First Time

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a package of condoms. There was a beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked, if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store. It was empty. She said," "Just a minute." And walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it . She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. She asked, "Do these excite you?" Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and POW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a frown. "Did you put that condom on?"

I said, "I sure did."

And held up my thumb to show her.

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Little Mary Pat had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign 'FREE KITTENS' next to them. Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out from the biggest car. It's Senator Obama.

'Hi, little girl, what do you have there in the box?' he asked.

'Kittens' Little Mary Pat says. 'They're so small; their eyes are not even open yet.'

'What kind of kittens are they?' he asked.

'Democrats' says Little Mary Pat.

The tall man smiled, returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Little Mary Pat is standing out on the corner with her box of kittens with the 'FREE KITTENS' sign and the big motorcade of black cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS, BET and CNN but no FOX for some reason. Everyone had their cameras ready and then, Sen. Obama got out of his limo and walked up to Little Mary Pat.

'Now, don't be frightened,' he said, 'I just want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away today.'

'Yes sir,' Mary Pat said, 'They are all REPUBLICAN kittens.'

Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, 'But yesterday, you told me that they were DEMOCRATS.'

Little Mary Pat says, 'Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open.'

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

Vagina: The box the penis comes in

She was only a Congressman's daughter, but she can sure fill a seat.

An appeal is when you ask one court to show its contempt for another court.

A racetrack is a place where the windows clean the people.

I'm getting so absentminded that sometimes in the middle of a sentence, I...

Better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall.

About all you can get with a nickel these days is heads or tails.

Trivia...

A new star is born in our Galaxy every 18 days. About 20 new stars are born each year. For comparison, there are 100,000 million stars in our galaxy.

A day on the planet Mercury is twice as long as its year. Mercury rotates very slowly but revolves around the sun in slightly less than 88 days.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.*

The earth is approx. 6,588,000,000,000,000,000 tons.

The average temperature of the sun is 6000 degrees C (11 000 degrees F)

10 tons of space dust falls on the Earth everyday

Every year the sun loses 360 million tons

Light travels at 186,000 miles per second

Pluto's orbit crosses Neptune's, making Pluto the eighth planet from the sun. It has been that way since 1979 and will remain that way until 1999.

A cosmic year is the amount of time it takes the sun to revolve around the center of the Milky Way, about 225 million years.

Pandi