There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,

"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

One of the guys said "I don't believe you."

She said, "It's true. Just test me!"

"Okay. What is the capital of Alaska," he asked?

"A" she answered.

Hop Sing was a cook on the Ponderosa Ranch. All the cowboys loved to poke fun at him because, being Chinese, he had a pigtail and wore a funny hat. He also couldn't speak English very well.

The cowboys used to put live snakes and frogs in his bed and pulled on his pigtail, just to tease him. Hop Sing, however, never complained and kept on working. He was a good sport.
One day, the cowboys got together and said, "This Hop Sing is really a nice guy, we shouldn't be so mean to him." They decided to apologize to him for the many years of abuse.
They went to Hop Sing as a group and said, "Hop Sing, we are very sorry for being so mean to you throughout the years. You are really a nice guy. From now on, we are going to be nice to you. There will be no more pigtail-pullin' and there will be no more snakes in your bed." "Good, good," said Hop Sing, overjoyed. "No more snake in the bed, then no more piss in the soup!"

Gilbert

Anyone who's ever been to a "teaching hospital" knows to expect a group of students to descend upon them at any time.

At one such hospital, in the recovery room, a bunch of students gathered around a beautiful blonde who, even in a gown, was obviously very well endowed, indeed

Recovery is an excellent place for student doctors to become familiar with variations in heartbeats, while the body comes back to normal from the operation and the anesthesia, by using a simple stethoscope.

The first student approached the patient calmly and proceeded to listen intently.

The group was silent as he did so. The woman hesitated, then looked sympathetically into the eyes of the doctor-to-be. Reaching up, she gently placed the earpieces into his ears.

I recently found this great website that conducts cyber garage sales. You list your stuff you want to sell or buy in the subject line of a e-mail, send it off and wait for a response.

Recently, I sent a note saying I was in the market for three particular items. In short order, I got three responses.

However, nobody had any of the items I'd listed. But they "all" found what I'd written amusing..... "Wanted--envelopes, piano bench, and one night stand."

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After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, "The Kerrymen," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless."

On my 60th birthday, I got a gift certificate from my wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a shaman living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, I drove to the reservation, handed my ticket to the shaman, and wondered what I was in for. The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to me, and with a grip on my shoulder, warned, This is powerful medicine and it must be respected.
You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2- 3.' When you do that, you will be more potent than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want.'

I was encouraged. As he walked away, I turned and asked, 'How do I stop the medicine from working?'

Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' the shaman responded. But when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.

I was eager to see if it worked I went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited my wife to join me in the bedroom. When she came in, I took off my clothes and said, '1-2-3!'

Immediately, I was the manliest of men.

My wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she asked, What was the 1-2-3 for?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition.

Randy

Boudreaux and his Young Bride

Last May, Boudreaux married an attractive woman, Lola, half his age.

After several months, Lola complained that she had never climaxed during sex; and according to her Grand Mama, all Cajun women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the large- animal Vet since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in Pierre Part. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his Momma and Daddy would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So, the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile, young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from the big city of Houma to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested. After many efforts, Lola still had not climaxed! They went back to the Vet.

The Vet said for Lola to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Boudreaux waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Lola went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Boudreaux looked down at the exhausted young man and in a cocky manner said, 'And dat, my friend, is how you wave a towel!'

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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench seat one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, " Yes, I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves. Don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?'

He replied, "Holy shit, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me.”

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

When I was born, I got a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I can't remember what I chose.

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? el-if-i-no

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says: "Man it's hot in here!!!!" The other muffin exclaims, "Look a talking muffin!!!!"

Trivia...

The flag of the U.K. is properly known as the Union Flag. It is only called the Union Jack when it is flown from the jack mast of a ship

It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old warships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The best storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon.

There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.

And all this time, you thought that was a vulgar expression, didn't you?

You must send this fabulous bit of historical knowledge to at least a few unsuspecting friends.

How many concord jets were made? Only sixteen Concords were ever made, the last in 1980. On New Year's Eve 1994, one Concorde plane carried wealthy revelers on a 32-hour trip to nowhere. These travelers, who paid $23,000 apiece for the trip, rang in the New Year twice because they twice crossed the International Date Line.