Leprechaun

An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"

The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry, SPLBLBLBLT! right in the face and runs back to the Irishman.

The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that thing, anyway?"

The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun."

"Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.

An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little b*stard!" he says. The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again- SPLBLBLBLBT!

This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts.

"You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have those."

"How do they pee, then?" asks the bewildered Englishman.

"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."

The French Health Ministry disclosed in March that it had produced five short sex-education films, so graphic as to be called hard-core pornography, supposedly for the purpose of remedying a major lapse in sexual knowledge in France. As one film director described it, "I had to show that if a man has sex with two women together, he must use a different condom with each one." Men's ignorance in that circumstance, said a Health Ministry spokesperson, is "a big problem."

1928 Mouton

A man goes to the famous Lucas Carton restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and orders the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returns with a bottle full of wine, pours a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picks up the glass, smells the wine, and puts it down on the table with a thud. "This is not the 1928 Mouton."

The waiter assures him it is, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asks him how he knows that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

"My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine."

Finally, the original waiter steps forward and admits that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. "I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cepage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location."

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, "When you return home tonight, ask your girlfriend to remove her underwear. Put one finger in one opening, another finger in the other, then smell both the fingers. You will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes."

Talking about sex

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold- medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

Dave the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage.

Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again.

Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.

He found Mabel and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.

Dave began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm reaching around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling round his rear. Dave , who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."

"Don't flatter yourself lover boy," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne too!'

'What a coincidence, 'the farmer says, 'This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating.'

'This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence' says the man.

As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying for years to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man, 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens have been infertile, but today they're finally laying eggs.'

That's grea t!' says the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied .

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence. . . .'

A lesson on human nature:

I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, 'I want to be President!'

Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were standing there. So then I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give houses to all the homeless people.'

'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'but You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds,and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house.'

Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds.

While her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

And I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her folks still aren't talking to me.

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

Virginity can be cured.

Why are men like cars?Because they always pull out before they check to see if anyone else is cumming.

What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup? Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!

A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

Why don't aliens eat clowns. Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

Trivia...

Queen Elizabeth II wore three different crowns on her coronation day in 1953.

A hedgehog's heart beats 190 times a minute on average and drops to only 20 beats per minute during hibernation.

An average beaver can cut down two hundred trees a year.

An average pig squeals at a range from 100 to 115 decibels.

An ear of corn averages 800 kernels in 16 rows.

Average calories burned daily by the sled dogs running in Alaska's annual Iditarod race: 10,000.

Average length of a coat hanger when straightened: 44 inches.

During World War II, bakers in the United States were ordered to stop selling sliced bread for the duration of the war on January 18, 1943. Only whole loaves were made available to the public. It was never explained how this action helped the war effort.

Fortune cookies were invented in 1916 by George Jung, a Los Angeles noodle maker.

Fried chicken is the most popular meal ordered in sit-down restaurants in the US. The next in popularity are: roast beef, spaghetti, turkey, baked ham, and fried shrimp.

Goulash, a beef soup, originated in Hungary in the 9th century AD.