When I was a child my family used to sometimes take our vacations, in British Columbia. In those days all Canadians appreciated their American neighbors. We had a favorite place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was at a Lake that was about 30 miles long and a 1/2 mile wide.

While we were around our campfire in the evening the local Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They would also tell of the Legends of the area. This one Legend always stuck in my mind.

It seemed that on this particular Lake two Indian Tribes made their homes.
They were, however, at War, with one another from years before.

There was an Indian Maiden in one Camp who was in love with a young Brave in the other Camp. They used to stand, on the shore, each on their respective side of the Lake, and chant Indian love calls to each other...even though they were warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever come of it. One day they just could not stand being apart any longer.

That evening, on a cold Fall night, they each jumped into the Lake and swam towards each other in the Moonlight. When they reached each other in the center of the Lake, they embraced and, very quickly, froze to death.
This
act so impressed the Brave's Tribe that they named the Lake after the young man.

I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent at "Lake Stupid".

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up .At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.

"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"

At first she declined but finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.

"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does." Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.

The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell *HIM*, you have a headache!"

Randy

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A blonde was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit. The prosecutor opened his questioning with, "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

"Objection!" said the defense attorney. "Irrelevant!"

"Oh, that's okay," said the blonde from the witness stand. "I don't mind answering the question."

"I object!" the defense said again.

"No, really," said the blonde. "I'll answer."

The judge ruled "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object."

So the prosecutor repeated the question "Where were you the night of August 24th?"

The blonde replied brightly, "I don't know!"

A teacher was giving a lesson in sex education to her fourth grade class. After showing a brief film and reading the lesson, she asked if anyone had any questions.

One little boy held up his hand shyly. "Teacher, I have a boy dog and he jumps over the fence and wrestles with this girl dog and she has puppies. Is this sex?"

"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.

A little girl raised her hand. "Teacher, I have a girl cat and there's a boy cat that jumps on her out in the yard and they wrestle. Then she has kittens. Is that sex?"

"Yes, that's sex," the teacher replied.

Little Johnny then raised his hand. "Teacher, the other night I saw a movie where three guys wrestled with Sylvester Stallone. Is that sex?"

"No, that was not sex," the teacher replied.

"Good," Little Johnny replied. "I always thought it would take more than three guys to screw Sylvester Stallone."

One day, President Bush was sitting in the Oval Office reading a newspaper to catch up on that day's current events.

All of a sudden, one of his secret service men burst through the door with a long bull whip in his hand. The president looks at him and thinks, "Ok!", but tries to ignore him, thinking it's some kind of gag.

The secret service man then begans to take that bull whip and begins "cracking" it, and walking around the president's desk. The president looks up and asks him what he's doing, but the secret service agent ignores him and goes,

"Uh, hum"

And he keeps cracking the whip as he walks around the president's desk.

The president finally gets enough and yells at the secret service agent, "BY EXECUTIVE ORDER, I DEMAND YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"

The secret service agent sheepishly looks up at the president and says,

"Sir, I'm just beating around the Bush!"

Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his demand for an annulment.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, "I've just learned that Lena's father never had a license to carry a gun."

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One Liners...

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Towing Company Sign: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

"If I'd have hit that harder, I'd of missed it closer." - Yogi Berra, while playing in a golf tournament.

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home. -Bill Cosby

"Leo Label has been playing with a pulled stomach muscle, showing a lot of guts. Jim McKay

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack? Will you stay in football?" Stuart Hall

Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee -- Toronto Star headline

Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6. -- Entrepreneur Magazine ad

Trivia...

On average, 42,000 balls are used and 650 matches are played at the annual Wimbledon tennis tournament.

On average, 90% of the people that have the disease Lupus are female.

On average, pigs live for about 15 years.

On average, right-handed people live 9 years longer than their left-handed counterparts.

Caffeine: there are 100 to 150 milligrams of caffeine in an eight-ounce cup of brewed coffee, 10 milligrams in a six-ounce cup of cocoa, 5 to 10 milligrams in one ounce of bittersweet chocolate, and 5 milligrams in one ounce of milk chocolate.

California’s Frank Epperson invented the Popsicle in 1905 when he was 11-years-old.

Capsaicin, which makes hot peppers “hot” to the human mouth, is best neutralized by casein, the main protein found in milk.

McDonalds and Burger King sugar-coat their fries so they will turn golden-brown.

Mincemeat was originally a medieval food made of a sweet, spicy mixture of chopped lean meat, (usually beef, or beef tongue), suet and fruit. Over time, the meat content was reduced, and today the mixture contains nuts, dried fruit, beef suet, spices and brandy or rum, but usually no beef.

Mushrooms have no chlorophyll so they don't need sunshine to grow and thrive. Some of the earliest commercial mushroom farms were set up in caves in France during the reign of King Louis XIV (1638-1715).