TEXAS Bar Sues Church

In a small Texas town ( Mt. Vernon ), Drummond's bar began construction on a new building to increase their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up till the week before opening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that does not.'

In God We Trust

"Life is too short not to live it as a Texan"

Exploring the jungle

A German, an American and an Englishman were exploring the jungle when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall.

After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature."

The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."

The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."

The American and the German look at him in amazement.

"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"

"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."

Weird, but Interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too

Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Kingdom of Heaven

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.

He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large land mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard working and high- achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"

God replied wisely,

"Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."

The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena. His opponent had sliced off both of his arms. Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could. But when his opponent lopped off both feet our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed and defeated.

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However," he pointed out, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative." A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

A workman was killed at a construction site. The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based with past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects. They were a motley crew: The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time. The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed. The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly. The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed. The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

Here are a few unsubstantiated examples of absurd sexual laws from all over the world.

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

In Nepal, Bangladesh and Macao it is against the law to view movies containing simulated lovemaking or the pubic area of men and women. The law also does not allow kisses to be shown in any film that includes actors from these three countries.

Cautin Province in Chile has an edict banning the hanging on the walls of Playboy centerfolds and other sexy pinups in any home or public building. The reason according to this decree? "It's more worthwhile to admire a good landscape than a photograph of a naked woman."

Featherbeds were long ago outlawed in Buenos Aires, Argentina because "such an indulgence induces and encourages lascivious feelings."

It's against the law in Belize for any man to have sex with or marry hisown aunt. Masked vigilantes are allowed to take the law into their own hands and severely punish the lawbreaker, who is tied to a tree and then flogged.

Masturbation is outlawed in French Guiana because of the "danger it presents to the masturbator." The law notes that such a physical act "is recognized as a common cause of insanity."

The law in Montevideo, Uruguay, bans a man from making love to his wife during her menstrual period. Nor is he allowed even to touch her between the waist and the knees. Anyone who violates this law is fined and publicly administered 200 lashes.

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

A friend is someone who thinks you're a good egg even when they know you're a bit cracked.

A gentleman farmer is one who has more hay in the bank than in the barn.

A good time to keep you mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

A good many childhood ailments are cured miraculously as soon as it's too late to go to school.

A half-truth is usually less than half of that.

If we can't compress the awards shows into one, can we get an "Award Show Channel" so we can ignore all of them, all the time?

The people who talk most about the "good old days" are the first to complain when their TV set goes on the blink.

Trivia...

A penguin swims at a speed of approximately 15 miles per hour.

A person uses approximately fifty-seven sheets of toilet paper each day.

An adult porcupine has approximately 30,000 quills on its body, which are replaced every year.

Annually, approximately 46 millions Cokes, five million pounds of French fries, and seven million hamburgers are consumed at Walt Disney World Resort.

Approximate number of facial expressions dogs can make: 100.

It's no accident October is both the month of Halloween AND National Dental Hygiene Month. Taking care of teeth has been a human preoccupation for thousands of years, and the ancient Egyptians, Chinese, Greeks, and Persians all had methods for cleaning teeth, involving such items as snail shells, oxen hoofs, and pumice.

Tooth decay is the most common chronic disease among American children. It is a common infectious disease. Nationally, more than half of kids ages 5 - 17 have had cavities (also known as caries), says the National Center for Health Statistics.

The drill dates back to Pierre Fauchard, a Fenchman known as the father of modern dentistry, who wrote of a rotary drill in 1728. Washington's dentist, John Greenwood, is credited with a "dental foot engine" made from his mother's spinning wheel in 1790. George Harrington invented the motor-driven drill in 1864.

The first silver fillings were made from coins. In 1816, a French dentist developed an amalgam of silver coins mixed with mercury. Lead, cork, and tinfoil were also used in the 19th century. In ancient times, cavities were filled with stone chips and other items. Tooth enamel is the hardest tissue in the body.