Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "what the heck", so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said, "A Chihuahua? The bastards gave me a Chihuahua?"

"First Day of School"

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well miss, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we will learn about each other as we go along." She somehow consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this was followed by a three rotations in jack-knife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said," That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we would learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Detroit and Windsor and I worked both sides of the River.

There man named Jose that worked in the fields of a rural country cutting down trees, and every afternoon his wife Maria used to bring him his lunch.

Well one afternoon Jose got horny and started fucking the shit out of Maria, as they were doing it a bee flew by and stung her right next to her nipple.

Days went by and the swelling wouldn't go away, so Jose took her to the doctor's.

The doctor took a look at it and said "Well we're going to have to get the puss out in order for her breast to heal, and the best way to do that is to suck it out."

Jose looked at the doctor and said "Isn't there another way?"

The doctor said "Nope, the old-fashion way is the best way for this."

So of course he believed the doctor and went along with it, so the doctor went off on Maria's tit, I mean he sucked the shit out of it, hehad her moaning and everything.

A week later Jose while taking a piss got stung right on the tip of his dick so he went to the doctor.

The doctor took a look at it and said, "Holy shit, that things huge! I'll be right back, I'm going to go get a shot that will make the puss come right out."

Jose looked at him and said, "NO, no, no, like you said the old fashion way is the best way. Now start sucking!"

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This big dude walks into a bar with a little spider on his shoulder, as soon as one of the dudes in there spots it, he tells his friends and they all laugh.the man says:

"Laugh while you can, 'cos this spider is stronger than any of you!!!"

The man making fun repies "I'd like to see that!!"

"Fine, my spider will pick up this bar stool" he sets the spider on the floor and the spider easilly picks it up.

"That's nothing!!"

"But there's more, now the spider sill pick up a table" and the spider easilly picks up the table.

The men, not letting the spider impress them, only boo it "Now, gentlemen, this tiny spider will pick up the bar!!" and the spider spits on his hands, rubs them together and makes a great effort, but it picks up the bar!!!

The men, a little impressed ask "what else can it do??" so the man says "Now, it will pick up the bar with everyone of us on it!!" thinking it couldn't be done, the men start to get on the bar untill there's like 40 guys on it.

The spider looks worried but starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination. suddenly, a man walks into the bar sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it "You bunch of pussies, scared of a little spider!!!!"

Curse of the squirrels

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church.

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

When a girl says "No" she really means "Yes", but not with you.

Is wearing a toupe a lie, or is it just a funny-looking near-truth?

The truth will never hurt you unless you're talking to the parent of an ugly child.

Everyone says he has a dull personality. That's not true, he has no personality at all. -Morey Amsterdam

Kids only want high-tech toys these days. One kid has an imaginary playmate that requires batteries.

Everyone is looking for equality. Trouble is, most want to be more equal than the next guy.

If walking is so good for you, then why does my mailman look like Jabba the Hut??

Trivia...

Approximately 850 peanuts make a 18 oz jar of peanut butter.

Approximately one out of four injuries by athletes involve the wrist and hand.

Babies' eyes do not produce tears until the baby is approximately six to eight weeks old.

Dill seeds are so small that approximately 10,000 dill seeds would be required to make an ounce.

Every year, surgical tools are left in approximately 1,500 patients in the USA. Fatter patients are more prone to having a surgical tool left inside of them due to the additional amount of space in their bodies.

Flamingos are able to fly at a speed of approximately 55 kilometers an hour. In one night they can travel about 600 km.

A fat-burning pill is everyone's dream. That dream may have come true. Norwegian doctors have determined that conjugated linoleic acid (CLA), a polyunsaturated fat that's found naturally in red meat and dairy, really does reduce fat.

Many of us wouldn't spend our own money for a colonoscopy, especially since it can cost more than $1,000. Only a third of the states require insurance coverage. Log on to eif.nccra.org to find out if your state insists on coverage.

Like other unsavory creatures, houseflies hang around dimly-lit places at night. They cling to the underside of branches or wherever the inaction is. After your house goes dark, you might find them under the kichen table or chairs, resting up for another day of annoying the family.

In infancy blue whales gain weight at the rate of 10 pounds an hour.