Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.

On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,

"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said,

"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"

"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?"

Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose.

"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?"

"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.

Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena.

The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?"

"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke or drink to have a good time!"

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Sheila the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she somehow slipped sideways and did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor. She yelled out for her husband Bruce.

"Bruce! Bruce!" she yelled. Bruce came running in. "Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"Strewth!" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobba." (his mate)

They came back and they both tried to pull her up.

"Let's try Plan B." said Cobba.

"Plan B?!" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her," replied Cobba.

"Spot on." Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."

"Play with her tits?" Cobba said, "Not exactly a good time for that mate."

"No," Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive."

Famous Sexual Quotes

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships." -- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
-- Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -- Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -- Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." - Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself." -- Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -- Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -- Robert DE Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" -- Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Robin Williams

A man with a nagging secret couldn't keep it any longer. In the confessional he admitted that he had been stealing building supplies for years from the lumberyard where he worked.

"What did you take?" his priest asked.

"Enough to build my own house and enough for my son's house. And houses for our two daughters and our cottage at the lake."

"This is very serious," the priest said. "I shall have to think of a far-reaching penance. Have you ever done a retreat?"

"No, Father, I haven't," the man replied. "But, if you got the blueprint, I can get the lumber."

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

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If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get? Tunnel vision!

What is the biggest advantage to marrying a blonde? (You get to park in the Handicapped Zone )

Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.

What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer? (Frosted flakes.)

How did the blonde die drinking milk? (The cow stepped on her.)

How did the blonde burn her nose? (Bobbing for French fries.)

Trivia...

"Fortnight" is a contraction of "fourteen nights." In the US "two weeks" is more commonly used.

A bathometer is an instrument for indicating the depth of the sea beneath a moving vessel.

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

A Sphygmomanometer measures blood pressure.

Any month that starts on a Sunday will have a Friday the 13th in it.

A typical lightning bolt is two to four inches wide and two miles long.

A wind with a speed of 74 miles or more is designated a hurricane.

Any month that starts on a Sunday will have a Friday the 13th in it.

At 4,145 miles, the Nile River is the longest in the world.

It is estimated by the National Population Council that 74 billion human beings have been born and died in the last 500,000 years.

Lloyd's of London, the best-known association of insurance underwriters, does not write life insurance.

Sue, the world’s largest, most complete, and best preserved Tyrannosaurus rex, made her grand debut to the public on May 17, 2000 at the Field Museum in Chicago, Illinois.

Babe Ruth was one of only two people (Reggie Jackson being the other) to ever hit three home runs in a World Series game, and is the only one to do it twice (1926 and 1928).