I Have Decided To Become A Write-In Candidate. Here Is My Platform:

(1) `Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait at the border until you can.

(2) We will immediately go into a two year isolationist posture to straighten out the country's attitude. NO imports, no exports. We will use the `Wal-Mart's policy, `If we ain't got it, you don't need it.'

(3) When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it.

(4) All retired military personnel will be required to man one of our many observation towers on the southern border. (six month tour) They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5) Social security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. The president nor any other politician will not be able to touch it.

(6) Welfare - Checks will be handed out on Fridays at the end of the 40 hour school week and the successful completion of urinalysis and a passing grade.

(7) Professional Athletes -- Steroids - The FIRST time you check positive you're banned for life.

(8) Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more life sentences. If convicted, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for your victim; gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9) One export will be allowed; Wheat, The world needs to eat. A bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10) All foreign aid using American taxpayer money will immediately cease, and the saved money will pay off the national debt and ultimately lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask the American people if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision whether it's a worthy cause.

(11) The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12) The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

Sorry if I stepped on anyone's toes but a vote for me will get you better than what you have, and better than what you're gonna get.
Thanks for listening, and remember to write in my name on the ballot in November.

God Bless America
Bill Cosby

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Texas Hooker

This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas."

"Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. e and Faye, a wealthy couple, are coming up to their 50th wedding anniversary and Faye has been thinking for some months about how they should celebrate. Then she comes to a decision.

"Bernie," she says, "I'm g ing to book us a wonderful 6 weeks cruise. I know you don't like ships because you got sea sick last time, but trust me, this one will be perfect for us. It is called 'Bubbeh of the Sea,' an intimate seven-star luxury liner with everything Kosher we could ever want to eat made available at all hours. Let's give it a go."

Bernie certainly isn't pleased with Faye's decision, but who is he to argue - he could never win. So he says, "OK, Dear."

On the day of the cruise, Bernie and Faye drive up to the dock in their Bugatti Veyron 16.4. Captain Cohen is on the bridge as they pass by and calls in the purser. "Find out who they are and invite them to dine at my table tonight."

Later, the purser knocks on the door of the Royal State Room. When Faye answers the door, the purser says, "Compliments of Captain Cohen, madam. He would very much like you both to dine with him this evening."

Bernie comes to the door and says, "Who is it Faye, is there a problem?"

"This man says that Captain Cohen wants us to eat with him this evening," replies Faye.

"I told you we shouldn't have come," says Bernie, "seven-star or no seven-star, we have only been on this boat half-an-hour and already we have to eat with the crew."

The New York Police Department were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th-story office. Jill, his voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him, a month ago.

"After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."

"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider making love to him and what it would cost."

"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."

The Flies

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms.
See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

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80,000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a, "Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention." The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcastmedia here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened -- the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?". Throughout the stadium pan-demonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

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Stolen Cartoons & Pics...

One Liners...

Guy: "Let's wait 'til June to get married. It won't be long until June." Girl Friend: "How much longer will it be then?"

How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping? The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Did you hear about the prostitute who was into bondage? She was strapped for cash.

What's the definition of an Impotent Loser? A guy who can't even get his hopes up.

I'm having a problem with split hair. Mine split years ago.

If you jog backward, will you gain weight?

"Law of Volunteer Labor" People are always available for work in the past tense.

Trivia...

In New York City, approximately 1,600 people are bitten by other humans.

In the United States, approximately seven billion pounds of chocolate and candy are manufactured each year.

Once a human reaches the age of 35, he/she will start losing approximately 7,000 brain cells a day. The cells will never be replaced.

In 1889, Chris L. Rutt, a newspaperman in St. Joseph, Missouri, began working on creating a self-rising pancake mix. Within a year, he and two associates developed the first pancake mix ever made.

While seeking a name and package design for the world's first self-rising pancake mix, creator Chris L. Rutt saw a vaudeville team known as Baker and Farrell whose act included Baker singing the catchy song "Aunt Jemima" dressed as a Southern mammy. Inspired by the wholesome name and image, Rutt appropriated them both to market his new pancake mix.

Unable to raise the money to promote Aunt Jemima pancake mix, Rutt and his associates sold their company to R.T. Davis Mill and Manufacturing Company, which promoted the new product at the World's Columbian Exposition in Chicago in 1893. The company hired Nancy Green, a famous African-American cook born in Montgomery County, Kentucky, to play the part of Aunt Jemima and demonstrate the pancake mix. As Aunt Jemima, Nancy Green made and served over one million pancakes by the time the fair closed, prompting buyers to place over 50,000 orders for Aunt Jemima pancake mix. For the next thirty years, Green played the part of Aunt Jemima at expositions all over the country.

A caricature of Nancy Green as a black mammy was pictured on packages of Aunt Jemima Pancake mix. In 1917, Aunt Jemima was redrawn as a smiling, heavy-set black housekeeper with a bandanna wrapped around her head. In 1989, the company modernized Aunt Jemima, making her thinner, eliminating her bandanna, and giving her a perm and a pair of pearl earrings.