Tuesday, Mar 9, 2010
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It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and brought them before the Judge; three stood before him, all arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.
The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."
The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough research by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."
He then turned to the second lady and requested her to testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."
This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."
He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation. The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."
Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"
She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these students and housewives undercutting me, I can't turn a single trick."
The Top 14 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. - Moses (Ex 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -Samson (Judges 14:1-)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). - David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
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One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs that she was going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights," she went upstairs.
Immediately, all seven dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow White's bedroom window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one who could see in the window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this was echoed down the stack "
taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse,"
"blouse is coming off," "taking off her blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the echoes "taking off her skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her skirt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the echo chorus went down the line.
Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the dwarf tower.
Finally, Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming through the woods, so he yelled, "Someone's coming!" And from the next dwarf down to the bottom dwarf was heard, "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "
Me too." "Me too." "Me too.
Two Brothers
There were two brothers. One was very good and tried to always live right and be helpful.
His brother on the other hand was bad and did all the things that men should not do in life and didn't care who he hurt.
The bad brother died. He was still missed by his brother since he loved him despite his ways.
Finally, years later, the good brother died and went to Heaven. Everything was beautiful and wonderful there, and he was very happy.
One day he asked God where his brother was, as he hadn't seen him there.
God said that he was sorry but his brother lived a terrible life and went to Hell instead.
The good brother then asked God if there was any way for him to see his brother.
So God gave him the power of vision to see into Hell and there was his brother.
He was sitting on a bench with a keg of beer under one arm and a gorgeous blonde on the other.
Confused, the good brother said to God, "I am so happy that you let me into Heaven with you.
It is so beautiful here and I love it. But I don't understand - if my brother was bad enough to go to Hell, why does he have the keg of beer and a gorgeous blonde? It hardly seems like a punishment".
God said unto him, "Things are not always as they seem, my son.
The keg has a hole in it; the blonde does not."
Oral sex
A German, an American and an Englishman were exploring the jungle when they came across an breathtakingly beautiful waterfall.
After admiring it for a while, the American says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great American Constitution, you know, where every atom of water is like an individual who has the freedom to make it's own way through the world in unison with nature."
The German says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of the great German economy, strong and powerful and smooth running."
The Englishman, when asked about his thoughts says, "When I look at this waterfall, I think of oral sex."
The American and the German look at him in amazement.
"What is it about this waterfall makes you think of oral sex?"
"Uh, everything I look at makes me think of oral sex."
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss asks her sympathetically, "whatever's the matter, pet?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning, I got a "phone call saying that my mother had passed away".
The boss, feeling incredibly sorry for her, says "There, there. Look, why don't you go home for the rest of the day? Or take the rest of the week even? Just take some time off to relax and get some rest".
"Thanks, boss, but I think I'll be better off here" says the blonde. "I need to keep my mind off it and the best chance I have of doing that is if I stay here and get on with some work".
Her boss reluctantly agrees and a couple of hours pass by before he decides to check on her again.
When he sees her, she is crying hysterically once more. "Are you sure you're OK?" he asks her. "No", exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible phone call from my sister and her mum has just died too".
Trivia
Hawaii has the only royal palace in the United States - Iolani.
The McDonald's in Sierra Vista, AZ was the first restaurant to have a drive through window. The drive through allowed soldiers from Ft. Huachuca to get food since uniforms were not permitted in business establishments.
Beards are the fastest growing hairs on the human body. If
the average man never trimmed his beard, it would grow to
nearly 30 feet long in his lifetime.
The first penny candy to be wrapped in America was the Tootsie
Roll in 1896.
The reason why bubble gum is pink is because the inventor only
had pink colouring left. Ever since then, the colour of bubble gum
has been predominantly pink.
The name for Ivory Soap was inspired by a verse from the Bible.
Harley Proctor got though of the name when the minister read from
Psalms 45:8, "All thy garments smell of myrrh and aloes and cassia,
out of the ivory palaces whereby they have made thee glad."
When telephone companies first began hiring telephone operators,
they chose teenage boys for the job. They switched to women
because the teenage boys were wrestling instead of working and
pulling pranks on callers.
The first jigsaw puzzle was created by map maker John Splisbury
who mounted one of his maps on a sheet of hardwood. He
proceeded to cut around the borders of each country use a fine saw.
What is unusual about the leaders of elephant herds?
Elephant herds are led by females, while most other mammal herds are led by males.
Name the four ape families. The four ape families are the chimpanzees, gibbons, gorillas and orangutans.
What leading motion picture "star" debuted in the film "Steamboat Willie"? "Steamboat Willie" was Mickey Mouse's 1928 debut film appearance.
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