Friday, Jul 3, 2009

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A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, 'The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark...'

The passenger interjected, 'Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?'

The driver continued, 'She replied, 'Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!

Job application

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job.
Both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test. Upon completion of the test, each man had missed only one question out of ten.

The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

Bubba asked, "and why are you giving him the job? We each got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me being a Southern boy, I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

Bubba then asked, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this. For ques- tion # 4 the Yankee wrote; 'I don't know.' And you wrote, 'Neither do I.'"

Johnny asked his Mom if he could go to the local carnival. She said, "Yes."

At the carnival Johnny won the ring toss and selected a huge bag of M&M's for his prize. Excited he ran home to show his Mom. After showing her his prize he asked if he could have some M&M's.

She said,"Yes but, don't eat too many -- it's almost dinner."

She poured a small amount into his hand. Johnny tipped his head back and popped the handful into his mouth. He ran over to the house cat, picked it up, bit it, put it down, ran outside, and jumped on his bike racing it around the house a few times. Afterward Johnny went back into the house and asked for some more M&M's.

Puzzled she poured some more into his hand. Again, Johnny repeated actions a 2nd, 3rd, and 4th time. Upon the 5th request his Mom asked,"Johnny, what are you doing?"

Johnny replies,"I'm playing truck driver."

She says,"Truck driver? Can you explain?"

Johnny says,"Yes, I'm popping pills, eating pussy, and driving like hell!"

Object of dating is to SCORE!

A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates.

She was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long, passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going out to get you some jewelry!"

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good,but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

Hampster

Guy who stutters

This guy who stutters badly, walks into a bar, and says, "Ssay! Bbbartender, gggimme a bbbeer".

The Bartender, who is badly humpbacked, serves him a beer and says, "That will be $2.50 please."

The guy thinks that's pretty high priced and says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him and drinks it down. He then says, "Sssay!
bbbartender, gggimme a wwhiskey ppplease."

The bartender serves him a shot of whiskey and says, "That will be $5.00 please."

The guy says, "Ddddamn! Ttthat's hhhigh!"

The Bartender says, "Yes, but that's our price."

The guy pays him, drinks his whiskey and, before leaving says, "Bbbartender, tthanks for nnot mmmaking fffun of my ssstuttering wwwhile I wwas in hhhere."

The bartender replies, "Oh that's OK. I want to thank you for not making fun of my humpback while you were in here."

The guy says "Oh ttthat's OK. Eeverything else in tthis ppplace wwas so hhhigh, I ttthougt it wwas yyour ass."

Penis

Myrddin and Aspazia were having dinner and the conversation got around to transplants and artificial body parts.

"They'll make an artificial dick next," Aspazia said.

"Bullshit!" replied Myrddin. "There are some things you can't make. Besides, what would you make it from?"

"Iron," she told him.

"Don't be stupid, woman. It would rust."

"Ok, brass then," she insisted.

"That's bloody ridiculous," scoffed Myrddin. "Men would never be able to keep it clean."

"Rubbish!" she told him. "For years, I've watched you polish yours while watching porno videos...!"

Inventing qualifications

Jim needs a job, and has no qualms about inventing the necessary qualifications. He reasons that once he finds work, he will impress the boss so much that everything will be forgiven.

After a successful initial interview at the Encyclopedia of American History, he is called back to meet the sales manager.

"You say you have experience selling books?"

"Lots of it," replies Jim.

"And you have a Master's in American history from the University of Michigan?"

"Correct," replies Jim. "History is my field of study."

"Well then," says the sales manager, "As soon as I can complete this form, we can get you started in the firm."

While the sales manager is making a few notations, Jim, obviously pleased with himself, begins to whistle.
Looking around the room, he notices pictures of Washing- ton and Lincoln on the walls.

Pointing to the portraits, he turns to the sales manager and says, "Fine looking men. Your partners?"

Lots of fun novelty items

The Prank Place... Fun and Outrageous place to shop

One Liners...

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Click here to Read Random Jokes

Trivia...

How many American presidents are not buried in the United States? Four. Jimmy Carter, George Bush, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush.

Humans are the one of the rare animals which copulate face to face. Orangutans also copulate in this manner, the only other species to do so with the same regularity as humans. In addition, Bonobos have been documented doing the same, though only occasionally.

Jupiter's moon Ganymede is the largest moon in the Solar System, and is larger than the planets Mercury and Pluto.

Olympus Mons on Mars is the largest volcano in our solar system.

On a clear night in the Northern Hemisphere the naked eye can discern some 5000 stars.

On February 7, 1969 a meteorite weighing over 1 ton fell in Chihuahua, Mexico.

In 1960, an estimated 4,000 people were over 100 years old in the U.S. By 1995 the number had jumped to : 55,000.

In most American states, a wedding ring is exempt by law from inclusion among the assets in a bankruptcy estate. This means that a wedding ring cannot be seized by creditors, no matter how much the bankrupt person owes.

Isaac Newton, Peter Tchaikovsky and Annie Lennox were all born on Christmas.

A magic potion or charm thought to arouse sexual love, especially toward a specific person, is known as a "philter."

The expletive, "Holy Toledo," refers to Toledo, Spain, which became an outstanding Christian cultural center in 1085.