Monday, Feb 8, 2010
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10. While watching the news, you spot your spouse marching in a Gay Pride parade.
9. The bank notifies you that your paycheck has bounced.
8. On a densely foggy morning, while driving in the center lane of a highway, you suddenly run out of gas.
7. You arrive at your wedding to find, two ushers, four bridesmaids and six pallbearers.
6. You ask your doctor for a physical and he replies, "I'm sorry, I don't do autopsies."
5. The IRS invites you to a weenie-roast and the invitation begins with, "Dear Weenie. . "
4. While surfing the internet, you suddenly get the following dialogue box: ICBM launch successful. Confirm strike? (Y/N)
3. You hear that your dentist has been arrested for using radioactive material as tooth-filling.
2. At the vacant house next door, you notice a U-Haul van and a truck which looks similar to the ones on old Beverly Hillbillies TV show.
1. Your twelve year old daughter suddenly develops a craving for pickles and ice cream.
Worldwide Terror Alerts
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.
And in the southern hemisphere...
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is canceled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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"Sir, why do you want to legally change your name, are you in trouble, hiding from the law, what?"
"No sir, Your honor, I'm just tired of listening to jokes about rednecks that often use that name. It's Bubba this, Bubba that, so I want my name changed.
The judge asked," and what name do you want it changed to?"
He said, "Candy."
The judge replied, "Candy? Spell it for me."
He said, Candy, "C-A-N-D-Y, your honor."
The judge put the name on the papers before him and said, legally,
your name is now, Candy."
He rushed over to tell his girlfriend. He knocked on her door and heard "who's there?"
He said, "It's me!
She said, "come on in Bubba, the doors unlocked."
He said, "It's not Bubba."
She said, "Yes it is, I recognize your voice."
He said, "It ain't Bubba no more cause I done legally changed it."
She asked, "what it is?"
He said, "Guess."
She said, "Leroy?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Johnny?"
He answered, "No."
She said, "Hell, I give up, come on in."
He said, "Wait, I'll gives ya a hint. Ya holds it in ya hand and ya puts it in ya mouth.
"Oh!... Come on in, Dick
I pulled up to a parking meter recently, only to realize I didn't have any coins. As I got out of my car, I saw a meter maid about 6 parking meters away....heading my way.
"I'm just going to go in here", pointing to a nearby shop, "to get some change," I called out to her.
"If there's no quarter in that meter by the time I get to your meter, I'll have no choice but to give you a ticket," she yelled back to me.
Quickly running into a nearby coffee shop, I ordered a coffee. The waitress, seeing the $20 bill in my hand, asked if I had anything smaller.
"No, I'm sorry, I don't"
"Well, it's your *lucky* day then," she said, handing me the coffee and a big smile.
"We don't have any change, so your coffee is on the house! Enjoy!"
Trivia
The elephant is one of the few mammals that can't jump!
The penguin is the only bird who can swim, but not fly!
Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States!
One quarter of the bones in your body are in your feet!
America once issued a 5-cent bill!
The longest muscle in the human body is the sartorius. This narrow muscle of the thigh passes obliquely across the front of the thigh and helps rotate the leg to the position assumed in sitting cross-legged. Its name is a derivation of the adjective "sartorial," a reference to what was the traditional cross-legged position of tailors (or "sartors") at work.
The most common blood type in the world is Type O. The rarest, Type A-H, has been found in less than a dozen people since the type was discovered.
Methylphenidate (Ritalin) is a medication prescribed for individuals (usually children) who have an abnormally high level of activity or attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). According to the National Institute of Mental Health, about 3 to 5 percent of the general population has the disorder, which is characterized by agitated behavior and an inability to focus on tasks. Methylphenidate also is occasionally prescribed for treating narcolepsy. Methylphenidate is a central nervous system (CNS) stimulant. It has effects similar to, but more potent than, caffeine and less potent than amphetamines. It has a notably calming effect on hyperactive children and a "focusing" effect on those with ADHD.
When a queen bee lays the fertilized eggs that will develop into new queens, only one of the newly laid queens actually survives. The first new queen that emerges from her cell destroys all other queens in their cells and, thereafter, reigns alone.
During the 6th Century, it was customary to congratulate people who sneezed because it was thought that they were expelling evil from their bodies. During the great plague of Europe, the Pope passed a law to say "God bless you" to one who sneezed.
There still are some weird laws on the books. In Washington state, it is against the law to boast that one's parents are rich. In Maryland, it's illegal to play Randy Newman's "Short People" on the radio. In Alabama it is illegal to play Dominoes on Sunday. And in Minneapolis, double-parkers can be put on a chain gang.
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